Tidus goes to Thrae
by Daggers hurt
Summary: Alright so I'm rubbish at summaries, so lets just say Tidus finds out where he really comes from. Warning! Includes woman having babies out of their noses! Just read it! And Review!
1. Chapter 1

One day in Luca, Tidus was sitting down twiddling his thumbs when, from the skies something white was dropped on his head.

"Oh crap, I've got bird poop in my hair!" He began to wipe his hair clear of the bird poop, when he noticed a piece of paper beside him. "So that's what it was." He picked it up and examined. Nothing but a blank piece of paper. Until….

He turned it over! There it said:

Goober, sincerely yours. Once at us visit. It press please button transportation a installed we. Origins true your of discovery our announce to able are we pleasure great with is it. Tidus Dear."

Tidus scratched his big blonde head. He had tried reading forwards and then reading it backwards, and yet it still didn't make any sense. But then Tidus suddenly remembered "oh goddamnit I can't read" He said in a disappointed fashion. He then noticed a big, red button at the bottom of the page "Oooooooh a big red button! The best type of button. What could be better than a big, red button that's BIG, READ and a BUTTON all in one? And it's so pretty. I like it. A lot! Let's press it!"And with that he pressed his podgy girlish fingers into the middle of the big…red…button.

Now, if Tidus had been able to read he would have understood precisely what the writing next to the button said. But of course he couldn't and so never knew were he was about to end up. He was also blissfully unaware that his body was about to be cut up into zillion twillion mega-twixels as he was transported through time and space!

Suddenly the world around went a luminous green and he ended up in a place that looked nothing like any other place he had ever visited. He found himself waiting in a queue beside many weird but not so wonderful creatures. In front of him stood a flom. (flom: proper noun- a giant flower that smells human it has teeth and facial expressions. T has a certain liking for raw cabbages in sprout and rhubarb leaf juice.) After apparently reading a dictionary definition from nowhere Tidus looked around the strange place around him. A Woman with a large head and feet dangling out her nose approached Tidus and asked him when the next bussle was to Thrae.

"What the hell is THAT!" he asked rudely as the woman's nose produced half a human. "It's my baby…what's wrong with giving birth through my nose?"

"No...No...Perfectly normal…" he nodded.

He walked on to meet a man with his lungs in each hand. "Why are you holding your lungs?" he asked poking them

The man replied "why not? You can't breathe carbon dioxide without them like this. Where are yours?"

"Oh…" replied Tidus "see I don't breathe carbon diwhatsit. I'm on oxygen."

"Oh my god, you junkie, you're wasting away! So young…so foolish…" and the man walked on.

Next he came across a small child with the head and tail of a fish. "Get lost!" it cried "what you looking' at…you air breather." Tidus couldn't understand and so he did what all men (or people who are almost men e.g. Wakka) do when confused. He retaliated!

"How dare you? But you're a mutant! Look at yourself! You're a blasphemy with no more right to walk on Earth … or whatever planet this s… than a double headed twig made from plutonium!" Tidus shouted. The fishie-girlie-thing-migigy had had enough by now and with one swift motion she brought up her tail fin and slapped Tidus round his very girly face. "Augh, that hurt and your all slimy! You've probably wrecked my make-up!" He yelled rubbing his face and looking very sorry for himself. Tidus was just about to run/sprint, in the way only Tidus can, to the nearest toilets when he found himself at the front of the queue.

A young woman sat at the counter, feet hovering over the computer keyboard as if ready to type. "Please papers" She asked. Tidus stood blankly for a minute and then, after having no better ideas, handed over the letter he had received earlier. "Ago minutes five gone have will Bussle ext the gate the through you If. You Thank." As she spoke she pointed to a gate somewhere in the distance. Tidus followed the finger and arrived just as a huge, red bus with wings drew onto the platform. A voice came over the tanoy system "Minutes two in leaving Thrae to Buslle Next. Aboard All." A very squashed Tidus got pushed onto the shuttle amongst a crowd of creatures. And that was it! The beginning of his journey home had started!

A/N This story was co-authored by me and my friend Nyviay with some help from the rest of our gang. Please R and R, as it is my first ff fan-fiction and I really like getting reviews.

P.s if you don't understand the speech or letter, try reading it backwards!


	2. Chapter 2

Tidus arrived at Thrae an hour earlier than he had left. His journey had probably been one of the weirdest journeys he had ever taken. The Bussle had been a large glass globe like a bubble with hammocks strung around the inside. Once everyone had got themselves strapped into a hammock a count-up had begun "1, 2, 4, 5 and blast on" the collection of creatures on the bussle had chorused. With that the sphere was blasted through a tube of fire at a speed of mach 33. Tidus, was amazed as a handsomely attractive man, or so he thought, appeared in front of. Then another, and another, and another. "Man, that's freaky, they all look the same!" thought Tidus abnormally small brain. It took him 14 minutes until he realised he was really flirting with himself, and had just asked for his own phone number. And then he was floating "uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh pretty stars!" He said, his eyes glazing over as he watched the silver lights shoot across the blackness of space. And that was how he stayed for the next hour or 30, until the bussle finally arrived at its destination. The Planet Thrae.

If Tidus had thought the journey weird then words could not explain what Thrae was like. The view that welcomed him was so weird that his brain didn't even bother to try and process it. Millions of people walked around on there hands, the women wearing boxers over there trousers, and even more disturbing the men wearing bras over there shirts. "Wow, Wakka would love this place! Men in bras!" Tidus said suddenly wishing the others could be with him. Out of the blue another though budged its way to the front of the (very short) queue (Tidus doesn't think that much you see). "I'm hungry!" And with that he set off in search of food, obviously not seeing the café he was stood right next to! An hour later and he had still not noticed the café but then again neither had he noticed the very shocked people waving their legs in the air and shouting "unholy" as he passed them. On his 1425743830578656753236746756645452232486879807665433232374565676586th trip round the station Tidus finally saw the cafeteria. "Ooooohhhhhhhh! Fooooooooooooooood!" He yelled in excitement and sort of sprinted sort of jogged over to a table with two other people on it, they both departed swiftly as he sat down "Oh I'm offended; surely I don't smell that bad!" Tidus muttered dejectedly as he looked around. He froze solid as an iguana the Antarctic as he saw the way the people on the table next to him were eating. Instead of eating the food they were spitting back out, Tidus watched the man proceeded to recreate a perfect chocolate éclair by taking the pieces out of his mouth and placing them on the plate. He was distracted as a waitress came round and placed a dirty cup and two plates on his table and then continued to sprinkle dirt and a decaying piece of lettuce around them. "What are you doing?" Tidus asked confused.

"Like look it does what Cleaning!" Tidus suddenly turned very pale and ran ff to the toilets to be sick…

**And that is where I am going to leave it I don't think there is a rating high enough for me to describe what happens when you are sick in reverse but I am sure your minds can imagine it for you! Sorry it has taken so long to update and isn't as good as the first one. I need Jess to help me, I'm just not mad enough by myself. Please review anyway!**


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